Bones are Beautiful

Fri, 04 May 2007 22:20:13 GMT

2 days ago something snapped inside me and my body just went ballistic. i'm still on it. it feels like everything that i ever didn't eat has come back to haunt me and make me insanely hungry. i'm eating SO MUCH. i've been eating so much for the past 2 days and i've definitely gained weight. but i'm not even upset because its like im searching for something. anyone have any idea what it could be? is my body craving sugar, or carbs, or missing some certain nutrient? or is it just the stress (i've been constantly studying for finals)? i'm hoping once my tests are over (next friday) i can go back to normal because after i eat i feel so disgusting and gross, but i still don't stop.

i really need your suggestions. even looking at thinspo doesnt make me not hungry.

ive been binging on chocolate, confettie cake, apple pie, frozen yogurt, cookies, chips, bagels, peanut butter toast, you name it i've eaten it.

its so disgusting to talk about. its like something in me just completely reversed. i hate feeling this way and i have been wearing baggy clothes to hide my body because i cant stand showing it. and im approaching 100 lbs, probably i'm already there after today. god. 85 lbs by may 19? who the fuck am i kidding?

please help:(

Binge day

Thu, 03 May 2007 03:44:19 GMT

It's not, what did I eat today, it's: what DIDN'T i eat today?!

i feel okay though. it was all relatively healthy. and i'm going to diet tomorrow. and i need energy for testing. god, i can't wait for summer. nothing to get my energy up for, like concentrating in classes and late night studying. just days and days of thinking thin and laying out in a bathing suit with my 85 lb body. i seriously can't wait.

i hope everyone had a better day than i did. think thin lovelys<3

Not so good today..

Wed, 02 May 2007 01:58:51 GMT

7AM: coffee, 100 calorie pack
around 11: 7 goldfish
1130: diet coke
around 130: one breadstick from Pat n Oscar's. my friend had gone there for lunch and she told me she hasn't seen me eat anything in months, except for diet coke, which is true, i drink a lot of diet coke. and there were a lot of my friends around me and shed brought breadsticks for us and everyone was watching me suspiciously. so i ate one. it was damn good too.
330: diet coke
630: dinner...i binged on healthy stuff, but i ate until my stomach hurt, like when you are so so full. i hate when i do this. but i binged on egg fried rice, baby pickles, spicy tofu, and..im ashamed to say it..grilled potatoes. :( :( :(

im going to digest and go running. i feel like shit though. now im like in that mood when im like oh i already messed up, might as well have a mini brownie.

its all about control though. NO! :(

well anyways, i was prom shopping today, im definitely a size 0 in dresses, with room to spare. so that's good. but i still hate my fat fucking arms.

xxxxxx

*EDIT*
so...i was too uncomfortable with how full i was..so i purged most of it..and went running immediately. oh well. i'm trying to stop purging because it's really bad for me but it feels so good..sometimes it's just what you need to lift your mood.

Monday, April 30

Tue, 01 May 2007 01:42:53 GMT

Morning, about 9 AM: lowfat coffee

Evening, 630 PM: one bowl of steamed rice with steamed broccoli and baby pickles

about to go on a walk. i feel pretty good about it :)

Today's Plan

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 14:02:47 GMT

It'll be easier to follow if I typed that I would do it.

It's 7AM right now. I'm going to shower and then go to school. I'll drink some coffee for sure but i'm not that hungry right now so I feel like skipping my morning 100 calorie pack, but i want energy for the day so maybe it'd be best just to eat one.

Tonight, for dinner, I'll have another 100 cal pack, probably with diet coke.

Usually in the afternoons at work I get REALLY hungry so I allow a piece of light wheat bread but I can't this week. I seroiusly need punishment for the horrible binge of the weekend.

I hope I stay strong today. Hope all u girls out there r too. xxxx<3

facing the enemy. my worst fear.

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 05:06:59 GMT

My worst fear? Hitting the triple digit pounds. I won't let it ever happen again.

Complete Failure April 27-29

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 04:59:21 GMT

This weekend I failed..let me give a breakdown

Friday:
I followed my usual 100 calorie pack at 630 am plan with coffee, etc. then at about 1pm my friend offered me a cupcake from Sprinkles, which is this really good cupcake place. I don't know why I even tried it, because once you pop you just can't stop. I ate the whole thing. It was LOADED with cream cheese frosting. Afterwards, I was obsessing and freaking out, so I looked it up online, and the cupcake was about 500 calories, which really depressed me bc I eat 200 a day ideally.

And you know when you fail you just keep failing? Well, I kept failing. Not only Friday but Saturday and Sunday as well. BIG TIME. It's disgusting. I'm disgusting. I literally am eating like an obese person.

If it's going to make anyone else feel better about binging today, ask me for what I ate today (Sunday) and I guarantee you'll feel better immediately.

Tomorrow=fresh week=clean slate=back to 85 lbs by prom. I was trying on prom dressed today and although I'm still a size 0/2 in dresses they all made me look like a fat pig. my arms are atrocious. it'll be 80 degrees tomorrow but i'm still wearing a long sleeve shirt because my arms can't be shown in public without it killing off all plantlife or something from the hideousness. my legs are fine though.

Wish all you girls luck as well. If anyone wants to stick to my 200 cal a day diet and you wanna do it together for support let me know. <333

Sunday was a failure.

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 03:23:52 GMT

So I caught a cold from my best friend and today it kicked in and I just made the mistake of fucking BINGE EATING. Without purging. I am so fat fat fat! In the morning I had two pieces of wonderbread toast with fucking peanut butter. PEANUT BUTTER!!! And apple slices with caramel (low-fat, but who cares, it's still caramel). And a chocolate candy bar. And a Hershey's kiss. And coffee. Did I mention a couple of doritos? Anyways thought, I wasn't TOO upset, but then I got to Medieval Times and the food they served..oh God....

Vegetable Soup
Large loaf of garlic bread
1 1/2 baked potatoes (no condiments though)
2 Chocolate strudels

I'm terrible. And on Tuesday my boyfriend and I have a playdate and that means sex and my body and I need to be THIN by then! No eating tomorrow, and I have to exercise. My boyfriend doesn't understand my view of my body. He says he won't take me to prom if I don't gain weight, because my BMI is underweight, and he wants me to be 98-100 pounds by prom (may 19). I want to be 85 pounds by prom. I tried to explain to him about how my body will look and he totally didn't understand. I really thought he would. He told me, "You are sick. You are real-life retarded. That's not normal." I was just trying to make him see the beauty of hipbones, and collarbones, and long slender limbs, but I probably came off a bit too fanatical because he just told me if I keep it up we won't be together. I know that's not true, of course, we've been together fo ra year, but I wish he wouldn't try to make me eat. I hate refusing his food but I have to do it.

Well, I'm sick, so I'm drinking some medicine, which I hope is low in calorie content. Tomorrow=no food!

xxxxx

My weekend progress.

Sun, 22 Apr 2007 04:24:22 GMT

Today (Saturday, April 21st) I thought I was getting over my ED. I was at my friend's house, which is always full of delicious food, and I had only eaten some Crystal Light Lemonade and a handful of pretzels at about noon. I was at her house at 7ish, and her mom made some waffles with strawberries and light vanilla ice cream, so I had some. I ate two waffles, a couple of strawberries, and some bites of the ice cream. I didn't feel bad and I justified it with having only eaten pretzels today. When I was driving home, I found I wasn't stressing over what I'd eaten at all, and I felt really good. I felt like I had a normal relationship with food again. I even thought to myself, "You're getting there..". I was thinking about how I look fine and I don't need to lose any weight.

Anyways. I got home and the trouble started. You know how after you eat and it's not what you exactly PLANNED to eat (I had planned a 100 calorie pack) you kind of just give up and let yourself go? That's what I did. I had a california roll. French bread. And like three pancakes. And I felt like shit.

So I threw it all up, and yes, it was disgusting, and yes, I hate myself more and more everytime I do it. But do I feel so much better now that my stomach is empty? Yes. A whole lot lighter.

I'm one of those people that has to follow a plan, a set schedule. I have my notebook dedicated to "Ana" in which I track my progress and the eating schedule for today, but my mistake was feeling not hungry and deciding I'd skip the 100 calorie pack for dinner, but then justifying the waffles because i'd skipped my "dinner", then just going downhill. I hate purging, I HATE IT.

Yesterday I did really well, 100 calories at 7 in the morning, 100 calories at 7 in the evening. Plus all the walking around school and stuff.

Tomorrow I'm going to Medieval Times for my mom's birthday at 5. I'm not going to eat anything all day, and I'm getting the vegetarian meal, and I will be picking and choosing what I eat, HOPEFULLY.

I never drink alcohol anymore because I fear the calories. Lately I've been feeling really dehydrated, I think Diet Coke dehydrates you because the more I drink the thirstier I feel and the more scratchy my throat.

At 3 today I weighed myself. 94 pounds. So I lost three from last week, but I'm still three away from my LW. What kept me going throughout my purging was looking up and seeing my collarbones. They're looking nice. It kept me going, even down to the nitty gritty when the chunks get stuck in your throat...sorry, I'm gross, but I'm sure anyone who's purged hates that part too, the part that you ate the longest time ago and is more digested and has a longer part to travel. It hurts to throw that up. But it was worth it to be able to see my collarbones.

I hope I can follow my plan tomorrow.